Is he gay and I just refuse to acknowlege it?

It might not be as black and white as your family wants to make it. Maybe he's bi. Maybe he was in denial about being gay for a period in his life and was trying to be happy with a woman. Maybe he has always been gay and she was a friend they had children together. Maybe he's a straight guy who likes dressing in women's clothes & being effeminate. People accept their uality & gender expression in different ways and at different times in their lives. If he has a history of lying about significant things, you have reason to suspect him. Otherwise, consider that maybe you don't know the whole story yet & he'll tell you when he's ready.